College Essay Brainstorming Day

Today, after we set up our binder, we went over a couple of example college application essays in class. You can read them below:

Poor Essay

Here are some things to notice about this essay:

• The writer has no MLA formatted heading
• Initially, the writer says the essay will be about himself, but then suddenly switches over to focusing on Barack Obama
• While the writer claims President Obama has a major role in his life, at no time does he specify what that role was beyond just being a role model for an undisclosed reason
• The writer highlights what could be considered negative character traits ("I am not the type that has role models..." or "I am the type that lets life pass me by an [sic] not really go after anything.")

Good Essay

Here are some points to highlight about this essay:

• The author has decent grammar and a partially complete MLA heading
• While the writer details the heart-wrenching experience of watching her brother almost die, she does not wallow in that dark pit of despair. She eventually lifts us out of it by focusing on how she has changed for the better at the end
• She details SPECIFIC changes she has made in her life and to her character as a result of her experience ("I try my best to spend more time with my family; I am staying on track in school...")
• She focuses more on her reaction to her brother's situation than the details of what led up to the situation. She hints at what happened to her brother mostly in the introduction.
• There is a great level of detail, including the use of DIALOGUE and a variety of sentence types

Strong Essay


Here are some things to highlight about this essay:

• The writer has a complete and correctly formatted MLA heading
• The writer uses idioms and turns of phrase that demonstrate not just their book smarts, but their street smarts.
• The writer gives specific details about her aunt and mother, focusing on the challenges they faced and what made them strong/weak, not just their personality or other extraneous information
• The writer makes a specific connection to the college experience by relating the skills she has learned from her aunt to the skills she believes one needs to make it through college
• The writer references the specific program and college she is applying for. This shows a commitment and an investment in the university itself.